There’s a quote I once saw in my Facebook newsfeed that said “I sat with my anger long enough for her to tell me that her real name was sadness.”
I find that this quote really resonates with me this year.
The first year following Sean’s death I was so fucking angry.
Angry that he died.
Angry that he shot himself.
Angry that he didn’t think of the kids- of me.
Angry that everyone else’s life keeps on keepin on while mine as completely fallen apart.
Angry at the fucking sun for having the audacity to shine.
But as I crest over the second year since Sean’s death, I find that more than anything- I am sad.
Kübler-Ross says that there are five stages of grief. What he doesn’t make well-known, is that you can experience all five of these once in a day, even a minute or a single moment.
I’m not sure when, but there came a day where I wasn’t so angry anymore, I was simply devastated.
Sad that he died.
Sad that he was so sick, he shot himself.
Sad that I’m certain he DID think of the kids, he did think of me- but his illness made him believe he was a burden on those who loved him.
Sad that everyone else is experiencing the love and companionship of their partner, while mine has been reduced to a literal pile of ash.
Sad that he isn’t back home to enjoy the sunshine with us.
Yes, if I had to give the first year of widowhood- it would be “The Year of Anger” and 2019 would be “The Year of Sadness”. But there has been something else this year…
I spent so much of last year simply surviving- walking about like an empty shell of a person, going through the motions to simply keep myself and the kids alive. But this year feels different…not by much, but I do feel a bit more alive and present than I did before.
This year I committed to choosing a healthier lifestyle and began going to the gym and trying to make better food choices (though not always being sucessful). I traveled to Iceland on my own, and learned a lesson in both patience and flexibility. I made a huge decision to buy a home where my children get to grow up in a safe neighborhood with others their age, and go to better schools.
But most importantly, I learned that it’s ok to set boundaries for myself and that sometimes it’s better to be alone rather than compromise those boundaries out of desperate loneliness.
That, perhaps, was the most valuable lesson of all.
I’m going to be taking a break from blogging for a while, but don’t worry- I have some big plans for 2020.