Reasons Why

They say everything happens for a reason but I simply cannot fathom the reason for this.

While I have no doubt in my mind that God gave me Luke and Gwendolyn because he knew I would need something to force me to take care of myself and survive, I often find myself befuddled, wracking my brain for all the possible reasons my husband would kill himself. Was it me? Was I not enough? I am not perfect, but I was a good wife. Was I too tolerant? Should I have been harder on his drinking problem? Did I nag him too much about getting help for his depression? Not enough?

Was it his job that pushed him over the edge? Though Sean would often lament to me about the stress of his job, he frequently reminded me that I could never possibly understand because I’m a civilian. A few months before he died, Sean told me as we were getting ready for work in the morning that we was looking into REFRAD, basically, release from active duty. He wanted to go back to Michigan in June when his AGR contract was up, shortly after the baby was born but he was worried about losing our insurance and finding new jobs with a new baby on the way. Is that why? But if that’s why, why wouldn’t he have ensured his paperwork was in order? (still having someone look into this by the way). I know he was constantly overwhelmed at work but he’d never let anyone know it- he wanted to be the best for everyone. The best soldier, father, ect. Even if it meant sacrificing his own well-being. Maybe that’s why he went to the unit to shoot himself- was it supposed to be some sort of message?

I don’t know. Everything I thought I knew about my husband died along with him.

and I can’t find a single reason why.