Physical Loss

When you’re in a relationship with someone, even when you’re not physically with them at the moment, you know they are still in the world, existing. They are still with you, physically, even when they’re not.

When I think about Sean, he seems so far away now. Less like a memory and more like a figment of my imagination….Because he no longer exists.

Memories linger but there is a vast abyss in the world where his presence used to be. All physical trases he left behind are now gone.

There are no more beard shavings in the sink.

No more pants, laying annoying next to the hamper.

No toothbrush in the holder next to mine.

No Old Spice body wash in the shower…though I still have his deodorant in my bathroom drawer.

I can remember the shape of his fingers, the feeling of his calloused hand clasped in mine. The green of his eyes with their flecks of golden brown. The hair on his chest and tummy, the scar above his upper lip. The way his eyes would wrinkle up in the corners when he laughed.

But I am forgetting.

The sound of his voice, his laugh. The feeling of his body.

God, I miss him terribly.

My heart aches for just one more.

One more kiss.

One more hug.

One more laugh.

One more time to have sex.

One more chance to smack his butt and run away before he tries to get me back.

I wish I had taken more videos of him so I could remember his voice.

I wish we had fought less about unimportant things, wish we’d traveled more.

I wish I wouldn’t have taken every moment with him for granted- you truly don’t know what you have until it’s gone.