There is so much about what happened to me and my family that is unfair- though I will say that I also respect that my tribulations do not outweigh those of others.
That heing said- I am excruciatingly bitter.
I know it’s not fair to be envious and angry at others’ happiness.
I know it’s not healthy. This bitterness does not serve me well, it only fuels the angry fire that is festering in the pit of my soul.
Yes, it’s not fair for me to resent others’ happiness.
But it’s also not fair that Sean and I only got two and a half years of marriage before he died.
Not fair that the joy of bringing my first child into the world was stolen from me.
Not fair that my son, who has already suffered the abandonment of his birth mother, has to now face living the rest of his life without his father.
Not fair that my daughter will NEVER get to know her father.
My bitterness exceeds that of the black coffee I drink each morning as I overhear the breakroom chatter of women with living husbands.
It’s said that misery loves company- and while I try my best not to drag others down with me, I can’t help but find comfort in the company of bitterness. This anger has become familiar. It is easier to be angry than to forgive. As difficult as it is to be so angry with someone you love, it’s even more difficult to forgive the person you love for abandoning your family and leaving you in the wake of tragedy.
I know I won’t live in this place forever, hopefully, in time, the bitterness will subside and it’ll just be bitter sweet.