I apologize for the title of this post, I simply couldn’t help myself.

Ahem, anyways-

 

I bought a gun about three months ago, which may take more than a few of you aback.

Why? I thought, would it make people feel uneasy that I had purchased a gun?

Was it because my husband used one to kill himself?

If he had hanged himself, would you suggest I not keep rope or ties or belts in my house?

If he had slit is wrists, would you suggest I not keep knives in my house?

No, of course not, that would be absurd.

 

But there’s something about firearms that make certain people uncomfortable. I had never shot a gun before Sean and I got together. He took me to the range for the first time shortly after we got married and I’ll never forget how nervous I was. It was an indoor range, so the sound was compressed into this small room and was extremely loud, even with ear protection. I was never afraid of firearms but my hands were clammy and trembling as Sean taught me the basics of gun safety- I was holding someone’s life in my hands. I was holding a weapon, powerful enough to take another human life- this was jarring.

After I took my first few shots I settled in, Sean and I continued to go to the range rather frequently together after that. We decided we wanted to keep a firearm in the house for defense since we didn’t live in the nicest area of town down in Texas but Sean had his heart set on a very specific gun, a Sig Sauer P226…which will run you a pretty penny to the tune of twelve hundred dollars. So, as you can imagine….we could never afford one.

After moving back to Michigan and learning about a series of break ins within my town from a local Facebook community page, I decided better late that never and purchased a home security system. After all, I am a singe mother to two young children and you can never be to careful. So, I decided to go the extra mile and purchase a gun to ensure that should anything happen I am able to protect my home and my children.

I went into the firearms dealer and described what I was looking for, he suggested three different guns and advised that I take them to the range to try out before purchasing.

I was suddenly terrified.

I entered the range, palms sweaty (knees weak, arms are heavy, mom’s spaghetti- sorry). It was just as loud as before but with each Pop I unwillingly flinched. Before I knew it I was holding a 9mm Glock and truly felt the weight of another person’s life in my hands.

Sean’s.

Gone.

In a less than the second it took to pull the trigger.

 

I was holding the very thing that took my husband from me in my hands.

NO. I thought.

I will not be fearful, I will not let this gun hold that kind of power over me anymore. 

POP

I took the shot.

 

 

and it felt freeing.