Made Ya Look

*THIS POST IS EXTREMELY GRAPHIC AND CONTAINS VIVID IMAGERY OF A SUICIDE*

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It’s like that stupid circle game where you try to make someone look at a circle you’ve made with your thumb and pointer finger.

Or a horrific car accident.

You just can’t help but look.

I don’t know why I did it.

Morbid curiosity?

Closure? No, closure is bullshit. There is no such thing- no final destination to grief.

Whatever it was that made me look…

I did it.

I looked.

Weeks ago I had requested the photographic evidence from the Seagoville Police Department and last night the package arrived in the mail. I handled it carefully, like I was disarming a bomb. It sat on my end table for a few hours, then I held the disc in my hand for a few minutes and with bated breath, put it in the disc drive. My computer made a whirling sound as it tried to make sense of the data and finally a file folder opened. There was no thumbnail preview, just thirty five individual files, in chronological order of how they were taken- all staring me in the face.

I debated on opening the files, I stepped away from my computer for a bit to take a breather and clear my head. Again, I sat down and opened the first file. It was the picture attached to this blog post and I burst out laughing. The police department spelled “Suicide” wrong. What were they trying to do with that extra “C”, jazz it up a bit? Or were they just reeeallly stupid….I’m leaning toward stupid.

Anyways, I got through the first five pictures or so, just photos of the warehouse from far away and then progressively closer until the picture of the vault door. I knew the next pictures that followed would be the worst of the bunch. Again, I debated moving forward but clicked the next file anyways. I was met with a big red “X” and an error message stating that the files I was trying to view had been moved or deleted. I even tried the disc in the other computer and was met with the same error message.

So, chalk it up to fate, divine intervention, a sign, or whatever else you want to call it.

I shut my computer down and decided to take the hint- I was not meant to see these pictures today.

But…..because I am stubborn I decided to give it another go today, I restarted my laptop, it made 45 minutes worth of updates and then…

I looked.

At everything.

In the vault, around the corner to the left. The opened locker. Keys left on top. Feet, in his new running shoes, legs attached to those feet, in his favorite black fleece sweatpants. A backless, rolling stool. Was he sitting on the stool before he died? I’m no forensic expert, but he would have had to been sitting with his back to the door and from the position it looks like he must have been sitting. On his left side, knees slightly bent and arms crossed limply at the wrists, spatter from the elbow down, blood on his wedding ring. The gun lay spent at his feet, one casing only inches away.

If you read my last blog posts, I told you it only takes one.

Did he sit to think it over?

There’s one question still unanswered.

The blood around the entry wound is blackened and dried. Again, I’m no forensic investigator but I can assume that means he had been dead for at least an hour.

God, I wish I hadn’t waited so long before answering his phone.

Sigh, it wouldn’t have mattered.

Dead is dead.

His eyes are closed. I’m grateful for that.

The police report I was provided a few days after Sean’s death was right. There was a lot of blood. It had seeped under the locker and out past his hands, some of it was darker, not at all the same color as the bright red of his cotton t-shirt.

I finished looking through the pictures, removed the disc, hid it and sat down to eat some gummy bears and watch “Conversations with a Killer” on Netflix.

Widowhood is fucking weird.

I was expecting to have this movie-style dramatic reaction that included vomit and tears but instead was met with an unquenchable craving for gummy bears.

Whatever it was that made me look…

I did it.

I looked.

and now a colossal weight has been lifed off of my shoulders, and I can breathe a little easier.