The First Cut is the Deepest…or is it?

Sorry, Sheryl Crow.

I have to disagree.

I thought that my first breakup after Sean died would be an absolute travesty resulting in many tears served with a generous helping of self-pity and of course, wine.

But, there were no tears of sadness

Zero self-pity

and no wine (surprisingly)

However, there was;

Rage

Disgust

and a hell lotta disappointment

I’m not going to get into the dirty deets (at least not in this blog post) but what I will say is that unless you’re Jason Momoa, you don’t get to build-a-bitch (thanks, Liz) to pick and choose only the parts you want.

My sister has been talking to me a lot about contentment lately.

Which is annoying.

I mean honestly, how does one expect me to find contentment at this point in my life? My husband just died, I’m fighting to adopt my step-son in court, I’m raising my daughter alone.

I am grieving the loss of a husband, my best friend, lover, confidant, my entire world.

I am grieving the loss of shared experiences, memories, stories told, laughs shared, hugs.

No.

I am not fucking content.

But one day, I will be. I will reflect on my life and smile, because I have everything I need, and I am content.

As annoying as big sister lecturing can be, I will (reluctantly) admit, that there is a kernel of wisdom there.

 

While it is OK for me to continue to mourn the loss of the life I lived with my husband

It is also OK for me to continue living my life without him.

To embrace new experience, memories, stories told, laughs shared.

So, I have decided that, for now, I am going to be content being alone, to date myself  and relearn to enjoy my own company and take advantage of the time I have not spent being a girlfriend (seriously, dating is like a part-time job). I sat down the other night, and made a short, but significant list of things I want to do before I actively pursue dating again

(*Disclaimer- if my knight in shining armor…or…ya know, lovable idiot wrapped in tin foil fatefully falls into my lap, I may pursue it ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ )

  • Read five new books
  • Take a weekend trip with the kids
  • Start a healthy habit (yoga, meditation, not eating so much God damn McDonald’s)
  • Learn a new skill or a new hobby (who can teach me how to crochet? It’s fucking cold and I need a scarf)

You think the first cut is the deepest?

Tis but a scratch.

 

“If you don’t love yourself how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else? Can I get an “A-Men” up in hurr?” – RuPaul

 

 

 

 

2 thoughts on “The First Cut is the Deepest…or is it?

Add yours

  1. Amen. And real sorry to tell you this but you just got yourself real trouble when you said you’re done pursuing active dating 😆

    Those were my last words before meeting my husband. I was DONE ✅ dating all those losers. Then BAM in he walked and it was all over 😆

    I’d love to teach you crocheting or knitting when I’m back in town.

    You’ve got a good head on your shoulders. Don’t ‘settle ‘. Hold out for real contentment.

    Like

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