The First Cut is the Deepest…or is it?

Sorry, Sheryl Crow.

I have to disagree.

I thought that my first breakup after Sean died would be an absolute travesty resulting in many tears served with a generous helping of self-pity and of course, wine.

But, there were no tears of sadness

Zero self-pity

and no wine (surprisingly)

However, there was;

Rage

Disgust

and a hell lotta disappointment

I’m not going to get into the dirty deets (at least not in this blog post) but what I will say is that unless you’re Jason Momoa, you don’t get to build-a-bitch (thanks, Liz) to pick and choose only the parts you want.

My sister has been talking to me a lot about contentment lately.

Which is annoying.

I mean honestly, how does one expect me to find contentment at this point in my life? My husband just died, I’m fighting to adopt my step-son in court, I’m raising my daughter alone.

I am grieving the loss of a husband, my best friend, lover, confidant, my entire world.

I am grieving the loss of shared experiences, memories, stories told, laughs shared, hugs.

No.

I am not fucking content.

But one day, I will be. I will reflect on my life and smile, because I have everything I need, and I am content.

As annoying as big sister lecturing can be, I will (reluctantly) admit, that there is a kernel of wisdom there.

 

While it is OK for me to continue to mourn the loss of the life I lived with my husband

It is also OK for me to continue living my life without him.

To embrace new experience, memories, stories told, laughs shared.

So, I have decided that, for now, I am going to be content being alone, to date myself  and relearn to enjoy my own company and take advantage of the time I have not spent being a girlfriend (seriously, dating is like a part-time job). I sat down the other night, and made a short, but significant list of things I want to do before I actively pursue dating again

(*Disclaimer- if my knight in shining armor…or…ya know, lovable idiot wrapped in tin foil fatefully falls into my lap, I may pursue it ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ )

• Read five new books
• Take a weekend trip with the kids
• Start a healthy habit (yoga, meditation, not eating so much God damn McDonald’s)
• Learn a new skill or a new hobby (who can teach me how to crochet? It’s fucking cold and I need a scarf)

You think the first cut is the deepest?

Tis but a scratch.

 

“If you don’t love yourself how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else? Can I get an “A-Men” up in hurr?” – RuPaul