Grief Personified

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, chances are you’ve probably already watched, or at least heard of Netflix’s new horror thriller The Haunting of Hill House. Is it a remake? yes. Is it any good? Here are my thoughts;

The Haunting of Hill House was a feels trip I was not prepared to take. It is both spooky, thrilling, and thoroughly heartbreaking. A quick synopsis from Google “This modern re-imagining of the Shirley Jackson novel follows siblings who, as children, grew up in what would go on to become the most famous haunted house in the country-Now adults, they are forced back together in the face of tragedy and must finally confront the ghosts of their past. Some of those ghosts still lurk in their minds, while others may actually be stalking the shadows of Hill House”

I don’t want to spoil anything since the show is fairly new but there is a killer monologue that character Theo Crain delivers at the end of Ep. 8 that absolutely rocked my world, her gut-wrenching words perfectly describe the bottomless pit of depression.

***Spoilers***

“I had to know and I touched her and I felt- nothing.

Just nothing…and it spread, it spread everywhere in me, this nothing until I couldn’t feel anything anymore I was just this dark empty black hole and I tried to fill it up- I tried to fill me back up and I called Trish and she came right away and I felt nothing.

And then I tried to mourn at the wake and I felt nothing, so I drank and I drank and nothing worked, I couldn’t feel anything after I touched her skin and I couldn’t feel anything.

And then we’re in the basement and the lights go out and I can’t see and I cant feel and I’m just I’m just floating in this ocean of noting and I wonder if that’s is what death is just out there in the darkness- just darkness and numbness and alone and I wonder if that’s what she felt and what mom felt and it’s just numb and nothing and alone.

What if that’s what it is for all of us when the time comes?

And then the lights came on and there he was and I didn’t see him, I didn’t see him. He was a light in the darkness a life preserver in the ocean and I reached for him because I had to feel something I had to feel anything.

I started feeling things again. I felt shame and I felt grief and I felt scared, so fucking scared….and I had to do it because it felt better than nothing that thorough fucking shame was so much better than that horrible, empty nothing.”

After to that, needless to say, I felt like I’d been sucker punched in the gut. So often has the thought of the feelings of emptiness and fear that Sean might have felt troubled me. So often since Sean died have a felt those same feeling. The shame, oh, the shame. How often I have been plagued with the shame that accompanies losing a partner to suicide.

After I finished the show, I was doing some internet research into some unanswered questions and stumbled across an interesting theory; Each of the five Crain siblings represents a stage of the griving process. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. If you’ve watched the show I’ll let you figure out who’s who.

After reading up on the theory and piecing things together it all started to make sence. Seeing grief personified was difficult to watch, though I was grateful to see such accurate portrayals of grief. It provoked me to think about my own grief and what stage, or stages, I might be living in. While there are stages of grief, what I can tell is that grief is not linear, you do not follow it in concises stages and you can experiance more than one stage at a time or go back and forth between stages, sometimes all in one day.

While I was in the shower the other day (where I do most of my deep thinking) I decided that I bounce back and forth between denail and anger like a ping pong ball. Some days my entire life with Sean is remembered like a dream, distant in my mind, like it never really happened. Some days it feels like Sean is just away on a trip for work and that he’ll be back soon.

Though I truly know he won’t.

Though I am not as bitter as I was, I am still every bit as angry.

Honestly, I don’t know how to progress though stages, if it just happens or if Im supposed to “do” something or if it just takes time. If I ever find out, Ill let you know.

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