I start a new job today.
Which honestly sounds insane because my due date is in T-NINE days! Although I’ve appreciated the time away from work to focus on my pregnancy, Luke and healing, I’ve been hanging in some weird limbo between wanting to take another step forward toward a new “normal” and never wanting to even try toward a new normal.
“I wish it need not have happened in my time,” said Frodo.
“So do I,” said Gandalf, “and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.”
Sean would be proud of me for referencing Lord of the Rings. But in all seriousness, Gandalf was kind of onto something there.
I realized a few weeks ago that I have a choice to make- either let my grief consume me or try to pick up the shattered pieces of my now broken marriage, home and family and move forward. There a sense of guilt that accompanies even the thought of moving forward- like how can you even think about anything else besides your loss?
The simple truth is less than impressive. No, it’s not because I’m strong- it’s just because I have to. Most workplaces only give you five days of bereavement! When Sean died I was only in Texas for a week before moving back to my home state of Michigan. I left my dog with my friends, left my job, apartment, our cars and got on an airplane with Luke and five suitcases and never looked back. There’s nothing for me back there (literally and figuratively) so forward is the only direction to go.
Never on, just forward.